what am i to do?

it just dawned on me... i'm confused.
how could i misread that one line everyone knew about?
this was very unlike me, for this to happen.

my expectations changed soo much, was it because of who my friends are?
so many questions, many unanswered.
i walk, through the hallways of my school, lost and dazed.
the sun is shining so brightly as i ponder, but there's no progress.
such an ironic day, i don't feel like myself.

PTC tonight! :0
i'm at castillo's room.
listening to space cowboy, falling down.
people are playing to rock band.
connie is doing her homework.
amy is having her fun with the guitar (:

the outcome is good.

yesterday

was my brother's bdayy :) he's turingg old by the minutee xp we had islamic class, then. we went to 14th street, to this nice restaurant :] soo yummy. hehe my sister & i are such fatties<3 it was a sweet birthday for him. he was smiling & ready for the food. :) CHEESECAKE. & barnes and nobles, with the oven my dad got, we are planning to cook cookies!(cuz he wants) ;3
now my birthday. hmm.
:X not going to say anything! :) hehe ^^,]

arr aye why.

hopefully this is the one post i will ever mention it. HOPEFULLY.
lately, i've been. infactuated. a one sided. thingy.
and. i'm trying to stop. because there is no use of me to actually consider it.

i talked to my two guy friends, and. they said don't &
even my two girlies said so too.
i make it such a huge problem, because i take it seriously.
truth is, how could i stop? what if i can't?
with the many uses of technology, my mind says no. but my heart say, yes. i'm forcing myself to stop. i tried. i had minor breaks.

i rather not risk my friendship. really. i rather not. i know how it would end.

i saw him today. we looked at each other. but. i only talked to him for one purpose. to know that it would stop. our flirtyness.

my friends consider it a change, it's been a year. a guy. that i actually like. but i'm going to stop. at the moment, it felt good. to have the sweet attention. it's junior year, i should focus. i'm going to NOT be taken by this year, so far it's going good.

i wish it wasn't so complicated.
this was never me in the beginning (of high school).

sunshines are dim.

i haven't lost hope. just no determination.
right now, everything is falling apart.
my grades for computer science class is the worst. I'm so ashamed.
i haven't studied for PSAT or the SAT.
:/ it sucks. i need to get back on track. focus.

halloween is coming up. the weather is so cold.
i'm dressing up as a sailor, :)
orange tomorrow! the great pumpkin of halloween,
missing the good old days.

my own.

written quote. each hold a different meaning, if you go to the depths of it.

- i feel like i'm falling deeper now, where's my guard? My heart is sensitive now, protect me so.

after the last, i can't seem to redeem the cut. the first cut is the deepest, but. was mine really deep? i hide my real self, because its not appealing. I am seen as the one who will smile and laugh, but no one really knows what goes on in her head. i rather me write my thoughts, than people actually knowing. I tell only a few people things, because, it's hard, letting people in.

Everyone has their own sob story. This is mine.

owl city<3

hurting.

so far, i'm still wondering how to put this into words.
to end it.
it would hurt him, but i hate how i sacrifice so much, for everyone else.
it dawned on me that i sacrifice so much for everyone, i'm just a follower.
so. in order to not to be, is to hurt others?

it's just a constant bother, how minor details bother me.

i don't know what to do, but i know that it can't be avoided forever.
would he realize that there's other people waiting for him too?