my heart lightens a bit.

new years promises are broken, some are achieved, others are forgotten.

OMG. i made it. to 11 months with no guy~!. til 11.04.09
grr him >;3 he's lucky i didn't stick to it.
LOLs i made a promise last new years to not be in a relationship.
it lasted, and it was fun.

haha i got my hat, passed down through my sister.
my mom said.
"kaya' orang cina"
=;= MOM, yo so evil. :D

i need to finish up my christmas shopping.
i'm going to give it to you girlies late :[

i'm a hypocrite.

i love romantic books, and yet, i don't want it to be done with me.
i'm a hopeless romantic who has fears and worries constantly.
the last song, by nicholas sparks. it's like any other book.

i feel like a little girl.
i try not to ask for a lot.
i wish so many different things.

today on the train ride home,
a friend goes, "you never tell us what you truly want. what do you want?"
though she meant it due to christmas coming,
that's how i am.

i don't want to be bothersome.
people say it isn't.
some people deny the fact that it's a burden.

it's always hard to believe them.

fact: i stop myself.
no matter how hard others tell me i shouldn't
i comfort them and let them in for a limited amount of time.
then, i'm shut.

i want to feel like i'm loved.
all those romantic books i've read,
they are my fantasies, dreams.
but a dream can only go so far.

overthink

the one fatal flaw about myself once i get into relationships,

i go to deep, and i don't control it.
i panic so much, and i over think everything.
i want to go to the way things were before.
one reason why i dislike relationships, i depend so much.

he hides himself. he slowly comes and tells me.
i like the fact that he is there.
every day, to see him.
i'm truly grateful that i am with him.
would any girl be different?

his friends tell me to not cheat on him.
but is he with me?
:/ again, a fatal flaw.

i need some time to think.
i need to just realize, this is what i have now, and just go with it.
i'm happy. i get sad. i miss him.
only guys that ever found out so much about me. :0

he's unique.
at the end, i get to say, babe, your everything to me<3

ahh. i hate being all mushy. so unlike me!. xP
hehe ^^]

xmas.

hmm. what do i want?
such irony since i don't even celebrate it.

- those organizers for your papers that cost $11.50 from muji.
- those huge white rose clips that look really nice in your hair x]

i don't really know.
- a hat
- mittens?
- bracelets.! (leather ones, ones that say quotes.)
- domo doll?

CHECK THESE WEBSITES :

http://www.names-in-chinese.com/images/leather-bracelet.jpg
http://www.peaceplease.com/images/dejewelry_bracelet.jpg
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=acc_rings_pins&product_id=1072186991&Page=1

http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/onlineProductDisplay.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=EG-232466&cgname=OSMKPLIPZZZ&rfnbr=2533
^ I WANT THAT!. LOLs x]
yeah. i'm blank x]
but thats it! :D

saturday night.

ohYEA :D had my fun on saturday night.
so indonesian cousins, done.
next, high school asian family. :]

one month.

wow. it hit the mark just yesterday.
shocked. so far everything is going good. in a way.
i'm putting school before everyone else.
he's doing his work.
and. my friends? we are busy, it's been long since we caught up.
but. i don't know. i'm thinking of chilling during break with my friends.
than rather celebrate my birthday tomorrow.
so much postponements.
just like the transcendentalist - just do what nature does best; do what you want to do at the moment, that's what the animals do, but humans? we just say later, because it's a human flaw.
we don't live the moment? or we rather plan it.
hmm. got me pondering.

the fea market. omg. so cute. he saw me blush red.
he went ballisticlly cute. can i say that.?
ballistically, is that even a word?
well. the flea market. it comes around every december. in 14th & columbus. i am planning to get mittens there.
i want them so BADLY. but they are EXPENSIVE :[
grrr. i love winter. best season ever.

what i want from XMAS?
i'll find outs soon.
i don't even celebrate xmas.
scary :/

next year i'm planning to give people birthday gifts rather than xmas gifts.
recession :[
OMGOMGOMG. i know what to get trista!. i saw it today. so cute. i know she would like it. hehe. i'm going to get it for her<3
now to look for something amy and connie would like. hmm


it snowed today. i was so happy. cold and the huge snowflakes.
myhair wet and cold, shivering with no scarf and to lazy to get my hat.

new year new changes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdeKzLlS8w

a new hair cut! ;D
i want to cut my hair short.
like RAINA~
but, my face. is unlike theirs -.-
URGH. T-T got any haircuts that i would like?

HELP ME. anything with layers, and the shortest is.
hm~ my chin. xP

thnksyou :)

who am i?

i'm indonesian. small. hyper.
i'm happy go lucky. i'm cranky i'm weird. i'm perverted.
i've been raised in a strict household, manners are said, smiles are shown.
i dislike soda - only ginger ale, arizona, and nestea.
i adore food- home cooked meals, not fast food.
i'm a girl who likes to do so much, yet has so little time, i put others before myself which is extremely horrible.
a vegetable lover : adore my romain lettuce, and broccoli.
fruits : bananas & pears.
i try hard to be optimistic, it seems to fool everyone.
blunt, straightforward, shy, timid, heart warming, caring, loving.

i won't change this, change myself, unless influenced gradually over time. i have my boundaries, don't cross my limit.

this is who i am, not your toy whom you can change so quickly.
i'm a busy girl, with a busy schedule. it's not my fault, i have so much to succeed. once you complain, is it because you miss me? or you dislike it.

my independence is the only thing keeping me alive.

i miss.

my bakso buddy. sate padang biffle.

her name is maryam. she's the same age as me. was it a few years ago we became really close? ironic how we both were the middle neutral friends. and now we are close. she moved to indonesia, by force. her visa, wasn't renewed. i miss her so much. our monthly updates. despite the fact that she lived in queens, i would see her at certain times, and we would schedule it. our last friendly meeting was soo long ago. she had her problems and she would keep it to herself, and whenever she needed me, she would tell me. and i would go. because she's been there for me too. it's different, now that she's in the opposite side of the world. not sounding homo, but i miss her hugs, she hated them, and her voice. we just ended our conversation on facebook. tear tear. she missed my asian laughter. haha my laughter has a characteristic. still, its different. she's so innocent in so many ways, i look like the devil. xD but

i miss you, maryam ali. your my bestie & sister forever.
despite the fact that you eat satee padang & bakso without me, i am there in spirit.!

i'm sorry.

i'm crying right now. i truly messed up. i'm sorry. i don't know. i hate these words.

uni : i know your my sister. i know you did worst things than me. i need to re-fix myself. i need to get a better hold on myself. you taught me that you yourself should be a number one priority. you taught me that just because i have a boyfriend i shouldn't make him my world. i have my own needs, and my boyfriend is there to confide and support me.

mom: i need to make it up to you. i need to have your trust. i'm trying. hard, real hard. i said i would go home at 3 but you extended it until 5. your my everything mom. i never meant to hurt either you or uni or robert. i just don;t feel right. i need to learn to move from the past.

robert:

stupidity.

i am dumb. stupid. and this is unlike me. why am i like this?
i made plans, and ended up hurting myself twice & my family. i should stop.
i told myself it would stop, and it hasn't.
i'm angry. i'm having self-doubt.
i need to learn to balance it all ou :/
i need to earn my mom & sister's trust
o hana means family.
ironic, it was my number 1 priority. and now, i changed.

my brother kinda made me feel better. still i'm disappointed. sad. my sister bought the tickets, and we didn't see the movie. my brother paid for it. for god sake's my mom came to watch also, and i didn't go. because of my boyfriend. it's time i learn to schedule myself. and pay strict attention to it. no more distractions. i need to try harder.

all it takes is my heart. to decide what is important. to fix myself.

i'm going to take a few weeks. to go to the old me. i'll celebrate my birthday later. in order for me to have fun, i need to understand myself, and be the way i was before.

candles lit.

bowling@ chelsea piers?
ice skating @bryant park? rockerfeller? central park?
juniors @ 42nd (cheesecake?)
urm, dallas BBQ?
movies - new moon, 2012, the blind side.

girls: connie, trista, amy, eni, pranvera, perpie, roxanne, sharon
guys: raylin, umaid, aaron, dom, mario, jeff.. anymore?


urgh. stressful :/
i need to organize it soon.
pick one - sharon, trista, amy.
tell me when you guys are free.
i'm thinking of doing it on sunday.
or, next time xP

glad.

it's been exactly a weeek since i wrote in my blogg! :0

a lot has happened, but i was able to get ahold of myself.
well. kinda? i broke down a few weeks ago. :X
thats a lie. it's tiring, im sad. and. dislike it.
i'll manage are the words i repeat. to make it go worthwhile.

ohwells, anyways tuning to ne-yo.
jason walker, down is a pretty good song.

listening to r&b music. it's been long since i heard it.
soo loveyydoveyy & sad. not really my typee.
trying to stay on my A game. and manage everything.
i'm happygolucky, right now.
:D

that's all that matters. that one song, really, makes me satisfied.

me losing calories, haha. corny.

my loves.

uni&robert. my world :)
can't believe everything has gone by so rapidly.

tonight it was a full moon, oh so gorgeous.
i wished, that, everything was just as perfect as tonight.
it's always with me, a constant thought.

my brother is such a meanie, he called me saying he was lost.
i got soo scared. then realized.
he was on my mom's phonee >__<'
hehe. he's suchh a meanie<3 ilovemyshapoopie :)

my sister, we had an interesting talk.
ate dinner. conversed like how it was back then. miss those days.
where she would jump on my back and tickle my toess.
share secrets, laugh at jokes, stay up watching drama.
my uni, fatty, andd onlyy one i can trustt.

my current profile picture,
our laughter and smile shows.
that even with all of our problems,
we share our happiness together.
♥

electronic.

musiccc!. suchh nice beats.
i'm trying to differ. to do more :)
learn hip hop with the help of my kuya, geoffrey co. !
and to do well in school!

listen too: designer drugs & space cowboyyy! :D

DINNER PREP!<3

what am i to do?

it just dawned on me... i'm confused.
how could i misread that one line everyone knew about?
this was very unlike me, for this to happen.

my expectations changed soo much, was it because of who my friends are?
so many questions, many unanswered.
i walk, through the hallways of my school, lost and dazed.
the sun is shining so brightly as i ponder, but there's no progress.
such an ironic day, i don't feel like myself.

PTC tonight! :0
i'm at castillo's room.
listening to space cowboy, falling down.
people are playing to rock band.
connie is doing her homework.
amy is having her fun with the guitar (:

the outcome is good.

yesterday

was my brother's bdayy :) he's turingg old by the minutee xp we had islamic class, then. we went to 14th street, to this nice restaurant :] soo yummy. hehe my sister & i are such fatties<3 it was a sweet birthday for him. he was smiling & ready for the food. :) CHEESECAKE. & barnes and nobles, with the oven my dad got, we are planning to cook cookies!(cuz he wants) ;3
now my birthday. hmm.
:X not going to say anything! :) hehe ^^,]

arr aye why.

hopefully this is the one post i will ever mention it. HOPEFULLY.
lately, i've been. infactuated. a one sided. thingy.
and. i'm trying to stop. because there is no use of me to actually consider it.

i talked to my two guy friends, and. they said don't &
even my two girlies said so too.
i make it such a huge problem, because i take it seriously.
truth is, how could i stop? what if i can't?
with the many uses of technology, my mind says no. but my heart say, yes. i'm forcing myself to stop. i tried. i had minor breaks.

i rather not risk my friendship. really. i rather not. i know how it would end.

i saw him today. we looked at each other. but. i only talked to him for one purpose. to know that it would stop. our flirtyness.

my friends consider it a change, it's been a year. a guy. that i actually like. but i'm going to stop. at the moment, it felt good. to have the sweet attention. it's junior year, i should focus. i'm going to NOT be taken by this year, so far it's going good.

i wish it wasn't so complicated.
this was never me in the beginning (of high school).

sunshines are dim.

i haven't lost hope. just no determination.
right now, everything is falling apart.
my grades for computer science class is the worst. I'm so ashamed.
i haven't studied for PSAT or the SAT.
:/ it sucks. i need to get back on track. focus.

halloween is coming up. the weather is so cold.
i'm dressing up as a sailor, :)
orange tomorrow! the great pumpkin of halloween,
missing the good old days.

my own.

written quote. each hold a different meaning, if you go to the depths of it.

- i feel like i'm falling deeper now, where's my guard? My heart is sensitive now, protect me so.

after the last, i can't seem to redeem the cut. the first cut is the deepest, but. was mine really deep? i hide my real self, because its not appealing. I am seen as the one who will smile and laugh, but no one really knows what goes on in her head. i rather me write my thoughts, than people actually knowing. I tell only a few people things, because, it's hard, letting people in.

Everyone has their own sob story. This is mine.

owl city<3

hurting.

so far, i'm still wondering how to put this into words.
to end it.
it would hurt him, but i hate how i sacrifice so much, for everyone else.
it dawned on me that i sacrifice so much for everyone, i'm just a follower.
so. in order to not to be, is to hurt others?

it's just a constant bother, how minor details bother me.

i don't know what to do, but i know that it can't be avoided forever.
would he realize that there's other people waiting for him too?

Soo.

this week has been chaotic for me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I missed luna's birthday. i wonder how her day went. still a mystery to me. as for what i did during that day. I just stayed home. Finished my homework, and went out to my aunt's class. It was more of a relaxing day.

Tuesday, Sept. 22, 2009

Bought luna a browniee! :) double chocolate chip. She was happy. and. also, i plan to give everyone who is close by me a brownie on their birthday.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not much happen on that day. Besides going to school & doing homework. It was a plain regular day. I think. :3

Thursday September 24, 2009

ENRIQUE's B-DAY. i forgot to get him a brownieee. i failed first try :'[ It went like this:
I walked in the cafeteria in the morning. and looked for my group of friends, connie, shaki, & enrique. I dropped my stuff off the table. and as soon as i saw him. i was disappointed at myself for forgetting. He teared. TEARED! x'o

Also I met up with my indo friends by chambers. :] We went to eat at Pho. & city hall was just amazing. I was able to see performances and sit by such achieving people. It was just a fun night :) By the night i got home, it was already 11 p.m O-O my eyes are still tired. Because of my lack of sleeping. JOURNALISM :)

Friday September 25, 2009

Hung out with Connie & Ray. Halal Food by a vendor. So delicious. & played handball. Mostly i watched. It was such a cold day. >.< I lack knowledge of numbers pertaining to weather. Got Enrique that brownie too :) he was glad i bought it for him.

It doesn't sound as chaotic, but it was.

6:17:54

just promised amy i'll update weekly.
maybe this blog spot will become more useful & effective.

i'll try to do this, since promises are always hard to live by.

third year.

Already it's junior year. can't believe high school went so fast. having both hunter classes & MLK classes. so greattt :) i'm planning to be extremely active this year. already on the student council, journalism club. maybe volunteer or environmental club &&+ red cross. i'm already procrastinating. not a good sign >.< my aim, is to have a 90 average an above. work my arse off so i'm able to show that i am capable to doing things.

rather a rose being fragile & weak, it merely looks that way for sympathy. Looks are completely deceiving. treasure a girl with roses, grants confidence & independence.

randomness.

there's no blame. the pieces don't fit together.
i still smell scents of your cologne from my jacket made of leather.
if your everything i expect, then your tolerably smart.
because right now, i'm not in need. our worlds are just too far apart.
craving for the caramel milk tea. jst came home from outside with my friends.
needing to write a poem for the standard atom model for physics.
helping out with student committee. really full and smelling the fresh aroma of salmon.
wondering why this is needed, and i only made this for the fact of reading,
wondering wht new news the anyone has.