because of me. it's all because of my selfish deeds that i've done that it is true. i end up hurting myself. i'm hurting those who are important to me. if you're tired then i go away.... i'm sorry for the pain and stress that i caused upon you. i'm sorry that i was never good enough for you. i do things that i don't realize and you do come to me, you tell me. you say "go do what you want to do." that's me having my freedom and no one telling me to stop myself. even when i say the words, "i love you" or "i miss you" i know to you, that it no longer has that impact it once had. that fluttering feeling has turned to a dark and cold feeling. you have a fear of me cheating on you. it happened, and now you're waiting for it to happen again.
i'm sorry,
for not being faithful,
for not being honest,
for not trusting within you.
for not believing.
for not allowing.
for not being the girlfriend i wanted to be.

this one is for you, r.

every person i know disapproves of us, but i stay. every time i'm with you, regardless of what we're going through, it never seems to be enough. your presence makes me confident. i know i hurt you. it happened. you are important. i want you to know that. every minute i spend with you, i never want anyone else to feel it. i'm selfish. you have you're own messed up qualities and so do i. we're a messed up couple. but right now, my eyes are getting teary & my throat is choking up. is this your final straw? are you done with everything that happened? i look back and have only one regret - to not have flirted with him. my mistakes are leading us to our downfall. you came back to me and i'm trying. i call when i can. i text when i can. i'm anxious to see you. i'm putting on makeup because you're the only one i'm getting ready for. i'm being a silly five year old, but honestly i have no idea what you're thinking. it's a foreign territory that even i can't gain access to.

Matt White just lifted my spirits today.

You laughed and did not take it seriously when I told you the words that come from you hurt me. Every person that you meet has a past, present, and future. My past involves mistakes that only I made. I am not perfect to your eyes. I hurt you once, and you're just waiting for me to hurt you again. I make my own mistakes because I am ignorant. i do my own things because i feel like it is necessary to do so. my actions defines me for who i am. i get it, you’re using my past to define my future. i regret my actions. regret is a state of punishment where you dwell amongst the actions you did. you were given an option, a choice. every choice is perfect, but what you do with it makes it imperfect. if you strongly use my past to define my future actions, then do so. are you attacking me? provoking me? encouraging me? reminding me? if you strongly dislike me, i get it. those words you say so strongly can hurt a person, but it’s the truth. thank you for bluntly saying your statements. i am my own person. i’m not asking for you to stay in or stay out my life. if doors were meant to be open, then they were meant to be closed as well.

To me, you seem to only have an enjoyable time outside. Outside the walls of us. You tell me that I'm important and you came back because you wanted to fix us, me. How can I be with you if you no longer have the same fire you had before? How can i stay with you if you consistently hurt me without knowing? How can I stay if you no longer believe what's in front of us now?