it's saying, escape.

i need to air out.

don't let it overload.

she yells, I listen.
"you have no discipline."
"you know what, forget you."

all the negativity is the best.
it hurts me mentally.
your doing a good job of being my mother.

i'm not even angry or upset anymore.
i'm just bumming in my room before i eat.
i'll eat, when i want to eat.
when i can look forward to food being my comfort.
stop being so nice on the phone, its all fake.

your letting your anger of everything that's flawed take control of you.

summer has lost it's definition

she said i was afraid of jay. seriously? i don't really care much about him, except to be satisfied for what he;s doing in life as long as he's satisfied. my punctuality is important, and i dislike how it changed. So i'm trying to make a comeback, and really come at point. I want to be active this summer. I get it. She wants me to learn more about my religion. The programs are not the best, but is something to keep me going. When I'm mad, I get silent, and DON'T eat. she says I'm on facebook. I'm not even there, this one tab is open. I get it. She wants to stay together as a family. Are we even being one? Is it the face of us together in three, looked upon as family? Because right now, it feels as if everything is falling apart. S l o w l y.

I can only do my part to fix what I can.
My mistakes are my flaws, I know what I did, and I'm guilty.
Just don't hold your anger to everyone else.
I'm .........
stuck in between.

and it suck because this is my summer.

oh such fun, this cloudy day of july 10th.

a heavy pour of unresolved in this raging waterfall.

its july, around the second week, and i haven't gone outside, just by myself. realize this that when i'm out, i have the tendency to coming home late and it afflicts with my mother's motherly protective self and the whole family since it is a domino affect. i come home late, my mom calls my sister, and in this case, she wouldn't, she would call him, and my brother worries painfully. This happens during my father's absence, but gets reported when he calls. My father and mother do NOT have a good relationship with each other. He's away, like 3/4 months of the year, working as hard to keep us together financially. He makes a huge amount of money, and yet, he's unable to give a reasonable portion.* That's flaw one. My mother is like credit card lover.* Flaw two. They put all this pressure and suck in my older sister, since she's done with undergrad college and now, is "working". Her work job, sucks. All she does is get people to sign a paper, asking if they are registered Democrats. Its just a never ending waterfall of problems, flaws, and secrets. I can't even afford to enjoy my summer since I have to be there, for my mother. My sister is in tears, at the fact that my mother won't talk to her on the phone. This is the first time she's giving the silent treatment. My sister is in Maryland, for a presentation. It's just as chaotic, even if you knew the other layers of my family and how corrupt it is. I can't get mad, or have a chance of being angry, since it would be another impact. That's why I couldn't call you, or email you, or text you. My mother knows that we're back. She is making me stay home because she has lost TRUST in me, and I can't get it back. My father is forgiving, and he built the foundation of my family, but he's still hesitant about my going to SAT classes. I get it, I hardly keep in contact with you. It's the same for everyone of my friends. I'm hard to keep in contact. It's not just you. You are a special priority, I don't show it, but I try. My family breathes down my neck and I want to see you. I still want too. With your anger and unreasonable belief, it;s just contributing to what I have to deal with at home.