senior year.

new schedule. new teachers. new environment in a way.
goals this senior year:
- get my apps done by middle of november.
- get my average higher than 3.5
- ace all my tests
- work in a hospital
- bump my SAT score to a 1700
- keep this motivation in check.
- to have a social life.
<3

because of me. it's all because of my selfish deeds that i've done that it is true. i end up hurting myself. i'm hurting those who are important to me. if you're tired then i go away.... i'm sorry for the pain and stress that i caused upon you. i'm sorry that i was never good enough for you. i do things that i don't realize and you do come to me, you tell me. you say "go do what you want to do." that's me having my freedom and no one telling me to stop myself. even when i say the words, "i love you" or "i miss you" i know to you, that it no longer has that impact it once had. that fluttering feeling has turned to a dark and cold feeling. you have a fear of me cheating on you. it happened, and now you're waiting for it to happen again.
i'm sorry,
for not being faithful,
for not being honest,
for not trusting within you.
for not believing.
for not allowing.
for not being the girlfriend i wanted to be.

this one is for you, r.

every person i know disapproves of us, but i stay. every time i'm with you, regardless of what we're going through, it never seems to be enough. your presence makes me confident. i know i hurt you. it happened. you are important. i want you to know that. every minute i spend with you, i never want anyone else to feel it. i'm selfish. you have you're own messed up qualities and so do i. we're a messed up couple. but right now, my eyes are getting teary & my throat is choking up. is this your final straw? are you done with everything that happened? i look back and have only one regret - to not have flirted with him. my mistakes are leading us to our downfall. you came back to me and i'm trying. i call when i can. i text when i can. i'm anxious to see you. i'm putting on makeup because you're the only one i'm getting ready for. i'm being a silly five year old, but honestly i have no idea what you're thinking. it's a foreign territory that even i can't gain access to.

Matt White just lifted my spirits today.

You laughed and did not take it seriously when I told you the words that come from you hurt me. Every person that you meet has a past, present, and future. My past involves mistakes that only I made. I am not perfect to your eyes. I hurt you once, and you're just waiting for me to hurt you again. I make my own mistakes because I am ignorant. i do my own things because i feel like it is necessary to do so. my actions defines me for who i am. i get it, you’re using my past to define my future. i regret my actions. regret is a state of punishment where you dwell amongst the actions you did. you were given an option, a choice. every choice is perfect, but what you do with it makes it imperfect. if you strongly use my past to define my future actions, then do so. are you attacking me? provoking me? encouraging me? reminding me? if you strongly dislike me, i get it. those words you say so strongly can hurt a person, but it’s the truth. thank you for bluntly saying your statements. i am my own person. i’m not asking for you to stay in or stay out my life. if doors were meant to be open, then they were meant to be closed as well.

To me, you seem to only have an enjoyable time outside. Outside the walls of us. You tell me that I'm important and you came back because you wanted to fix us, me. How can I be with you if you no longer have the same fire you had before? How can i stay with you if you consistently hurt me without knowing? How can I stay if you no longer believe what's in front of us now?

it's saying, escape.

i need to air out.

don't let it overload.

she yells, I listen.
"you have no discipline."
"you know what, forget you."

all the negativity is the best.
it hurts me mentally.
your doing a good job of being my mother.

i'm not even angry or upset anymore.
i'm just bumming in my room before i eat.
i'll eat, when i want to eat.
when i can look forward to food being my comfort.
stop being so nice on the phone, its all fake.

your letting your anger of everything that's flawed take control of you.

summer has lost it's definition

she said i was afraid of jay. seriously? i don't really care much about him, except to be satisfied for what he;s doing in life as long as he's satisfied. my punctuality is important, and i dislike how it changed. So i'm trying to make a comeback, and really come at point. I want to be active this summer. I get it. She wants me to learn more about my religion. The programs are not the best, but is something to keep me going. When I'm mad, I get silent, and DON'T eat. she says I'm on facebook. I'm not even there, this one tab is open. I get it. She wants to stay together as a family. Are we even being one? Is it the face of us together in three, looked upon as family? Because right now, it feels as if everything is falling apart. S l o w l y.

I can only do my part to fix what I can.
My mistakes are my flaws, I know what I did, and I'm guilty.
Just don't hold your anger to everyone else.
I'm .........
stuck in between.

and it suck because this is my summer.

oh such fun, this cloudy day of july 10th.

a heavy pour of unresolved in this raging waterfall.

its july, around the second week, and i haven't gone outside, just by myself. realize this that when i'm out, i have the tendency to coming home late and it afflicts with my mother's motherly protective self and the whole family since it is a domino affect. i come home late, my mom calls my sister, and in this case, she wouldn't, she would call him, and my brother worries painfully. This happens during my father's absence, but gets reported when he calls. My father and mother do NOT have a good relationship with each other. He's away, like 3/4 months of the year, working as hard to keep us together financially. He makes a huge amount of money, and yet, he's unable to give a reasonable portion.* That's flaw one. My mother is like credit card lover.* Flaw two. They put all this pressure and suck in my older sister, since she's done with undergrad college and now, is "working". Her work job, sucks. All she does is get people to sign a paper, asking if they are registered Democrats. Its just a never ending waterfall of problems, flaws, and secrets. I can't even afford to enjoy my summer since I have to be there, for my mother. My sister is in tears, at the fact that my mother won't talk to her on the phone. This is the first time she's giving the silent treatment. My sister is in Maryland, for a presentation. It's just as chaotic, even if you knew the other layers of my family and how corrupt it is. I can't get mad, or have a chance of being angry, since it would be another impact. That's why I couldn't call you, or email you, or text you. My mother knows that we're back. She is making me stay home because she has lost TRUST in me, and I can't get it back. My father is forgiving, and he built the foundation of my family, but he's still hesitant about my going to SAT classes. I get it, I hardly keep in contact with you. It's the same for everyone of my friends. I'm hard to keep in contact. It's not just you. You are a special priority, I don't show it, but I try. My family breathes down my neck and I want to see you. I still want too. With your anger and unreasonable belief, it;s just contributing to what I have to deal with at home.

there's two sides of everything.

well I'll write it all down. My new title, hidden & revealed.

My sister filled out a questionnaire, and there was a question, Explain --
The song currently playing is, Begin Again by Colbie Calliat.
"Oh this is not the way that it should end
It's the way it should begin
It's the way it should begin, again

No - I never wanna fall apart
Never wanna break your heart
Never wanna let you break my own
Yes - I now we said a lot of things
That we probably didn't mean
But it's not to late to take them back "
-- in four sentences about your child that sticks to her. She said, "Physically, she is a petite lady who wears a smile. Mentally, she has many thoughts racing in my mind. Emotionally, she is sensitive and cares about everything and anything. Whoever thought of the quote, 'Big things come in small packages,' thought of Alyssa." There's always a trait that each person dislikes, and I hate how I'm so sensitive. Reality hits, and I looked. I thought it would be okay if i did so, because I do so to see how life has progressed, and it stabs me in the heart. I made a mistake, I understand. You can't judge people [harshly] because people change. It's another quote I learn to appreciate and apprehend. I try, and it's not to my best advantage. I peaked, and I got hurt, like always. I have this gaping feeling of just avoiding it. It can go great, and I will try my hardest to not let it affect me, but it always will. So I should do what is in front of me, but the rope is looser now. It was once tight, now just a bit loose. I truly have nothing left to lose. Everything moves on, people come & go. I have no idea why I have so much difficult, it's true, I dislike letting go. So far with the actions and sayings shown, I feel as if hope is all lost and there's no interest. Or its still tension and the roadblock will never go away, until something happens. What is that something? I can't wait to find out. I'll try.

I peaked. I saw. I'm ashamed. I saw and now, it's a phase, where I shall hide, and try my hardest to move on. I'm highly sensitive. I dislike that.

wanting to find the hole away from the darkness.

its closing. there's no hope or motivation. the support is decreasing. it's like i'm suffocating underground while i can't get the breathe of oxygen

just let it fall.

it contributes to everything. your first meeting with someone. the first conversation. the movements you do. you can't escape this feeling. the sudden desire to just stop everything and take a breather. let it fall to the pieces it goes. it's hard, to let go. your walls are built so high so there's no access to them. you isolate yourself so that no one can possible affect you. however, it's too late. with no one there, your left alone. because you were blinded at the fact that no one took the time to want to be there. everything was beautiful and everything hurt.

are you ever happy?

please don’t lose yourself within this agony your facing. you’re the only one i got right now and i feel it. the fact that your slipping away saddens me, because i am left to watch it.

tgif;

& spring break is coming to an end :(

getting ready to go out with the family. queens & manhattan. hopefully buy useful utensils for my room so my third start of junior year is not like the epic fail past. my break was something good & fun, although it's not entirely over just yet:)
hoping to catch a glimpse of the new york city skyline as i go over the bridge.

i'm more happier:) that's great news to my heart&soul. the past few months have been a mental break down, but i'm glad everything is slowly getting better. i guess it was meant to happen, for every down, there's an up. my dad would rather say, just prepare for the stress overload that might come to my ship. i'm prepared. right now, i'm smiling to myself as i write this post. i woke up feeling great with the sunshine peeking through my window. sleep deprived is no longer an illness, it has vanished.
-splashesofjoy;

fun:)
splashesofjoy;

poem contest.

a flower hidden.
laid behind the long tall weeds protected.
safeguarding the dandelion
it sways and brings the meadow
a certain flair; a charm.
the wind blew harshly
crying brutal tears, the rain fell.
it’s petals broke apart
one by one.
scattered within the meadow
it’s no longer the same.
the specialty is lost.
blending in, the flower truly faded.

hmm, everyone seems to likes the third one (the one below, march 12). but its confusing. since all they reflect back is awhh i like it. WHAT do they like? how does it affect them? what makes it better? yknow? i need the feedback.

splashesofjoy;

why do you build me up buttercup?

so now it's all out.
it's on repeat. i never seem to grasp it.
is it decaying by the second i tear myself away? or was it all for the best?
these questions they always come.

when will it all stop?

splashesofjoy;

simply guide me.

i can’t see your presence
but feel it and sense it
the softness of you calms me
the brutality of you harms me
wherever you lead me, i either fight back
or enjoy it.
the wind. you leave me questioned.
where will you take me now?

march madness.

so i signed up for my SAT's. time to start on my journalism paper. and finish my us history work, and write that darn slavery edit. i need to schedule my time. really badly. hopefully tomorrow will be the end of it. i need to focus 100%. take out the books & pencils. i need to be highly motivated & reassured. remember to make adam & everyone else their shrimp/chicken fried rice. go out & take him to dylan's. & also go to my places that i've been wanting to go to. everyting is a to do. go to gershon's advisory. do the kaplan SAT online. ask for any help on saturdays. go to lab. study for bio lab. & exam. wooosh.

everything is a madness. and it all comes down to the me. the one who either is strong to take it, or breaks apart. march & april. two months.. i can do it! right. positive attitude. boyfriend will hopefully support. & my family will be able to see what i need. :)

and the party within the jungle roars.

bad wednesday.

today was a bore. :( tomorrow i don't know. i may go home early and enjoy my newly changed room. time to decorate? (: i am exhausted, and i haven't started on homework.
we got into an argument. my family. i'm trying to pull it together. and SAT's are coming. ahh, stress. can't wait for spring break~.

page 130.

Just two days ago she said that her life story was happening faster than her life, “What do you mean?” I asked with my hands, “So little happens,” she said, “And I’m so good at remembering.” “You could write about the store?” “I’ve described every diamond in the case.” “You could write about other people.” “My life story is the story of everyone I’ve ever met,” “You could write about your feelings.” She asked, “Aren’t my life and feelings the same thing?”

iabsolutelyfreakingADOREthispart<3

it's been long, so

THERE.

everything at one point rekindles. this “new” friendship. i anticipate it, I’m anxious scared. i no longer know what to expect. it felt great knowing we are once united, and altogether. however, would the friendship go back to it’s old routines? or are we going to make it different? i stayed up last night just wondering about it. & today my college class starts in an hour.

the break was an okay vacation. i understood why people don’t use facebook. it’s a social webpage where you forget the outside world.

i’m an overthinker. i analyze things way too deep, and i stay there forgetting the surface. i’m no alice in wonderland who fell through the hole, i just want some comfort to capture me and remind me everything is okay.

my tumblr is much more fascinating.

haiku 2/08

the road is harder.
it's slipping and i want it.
you're so close yet far.

reflection.

saturday was such a fun night.
why couldn't today be either?
such joyful & laughter.
it wasn't til then i realized,
just by letting me focus on one thing made me worry chaotic.
but by letting go, i had more fun.

old routines.

i'm slowly thinking like i used to..
my face is always hidden.
i want to say it, but i can't.
it hurts my heart, this gaping pain.
i know the facial reaction once it's been said.
i wish to hold it forever,
but the strings are loose.
it's been a constant bother.
i need someone to just hold me.
shake it out of me.
why now? i wish it was spring, where it was sunny.
and riverside could just let me ponder my thoughts
as the wind breezes.

i hate this feeling. i knew not to grow so close
or else, the effect would be worse.
and it happens now.

i'll manage.
like always.

olivia is her name. a model in LA(:
http://lookbook.nu/user/3068-Olivia-L <-- thats her website~!
fashion love<3

places to go.

johnny rockets.
juniors
max brenner
ihop
serendipity
Rickshaw’s Dumpling bar
Cheesecake Factory
alice's tea cup

steamed dumplings, ravishing milkshakes, the best cheesecake, to cute displays of food, a world filled with chocolate, and more to see.
hopefully i will get to eat there soon.
maybe when i get work in senior year, i'll go with trista, connie, and amy<3
:D am such a fatty.

robert.

your my little brother.
i say mean things to you, because i am the mean sister.
but regardless of our actions, i love you.
i will try my hardest to be there.
despite the fact that mom and dad are going through their crisis, me and uni are there.
you'll grow up knowing the way we live our life- in quietness, going to counselors, and just being oblivious because it feels better.

i'm here.
for you.

late night reminders to world.

want sleeep. SLEEP. i should it’s late. :D

upcoming&recent movies to watch:

- avatar.
- dear john
- the last song
- alice in wonderland
- nightmare on elm street; remake
- eat, pray love*
- youth in revolt.
- invictus
- whip it
- time traveler’s wife*
- it’s complicated.
- the lovely bones*

wow, i seriously need to spend a DAY in the movie theaters. need some new books to read. goodreads hasn’t given me any interest. :’[ book research.

tired,kaybyeeee~

thanks,

for the support. really. i appreciate it.
today was a good day actually. i walked around queens, reminiscing.
is that bad? remembering the past actions that once were so fine?
paperball fight of sophomore year, gosh that was exciting. i can't believe he would remember that, it slipped off my mind.
or, the times we spent quickly's during June?

i'm suppose to be studying and doing homework. since it's midterm week.
i'll have my focus, since i have music.
but, gosh, everything is flying by so fast.

it scares and fascinates me all at the same time.

by senior year, my camera will be filled with everyday actions.
and i will develop them.

stress load overboards my ship.

urbandictionary.com

Beauty is a thing seldom seen. It is held by all within the soul it lies, waiting to come out to the surface, but it can only be found if someone is sharing your soul with you. Beauty is suppressed by the evils of the world. Only love can bring beauty out. Once seen, beauty never hides again. Not even hatred can deny beauty of it’s true design. Beauty, although possessed by all by few and fewer yet will ever see one of the most beautiful sights - the beauty held by you

14108.) I keep the real me locked away, hidden behind a smile. I wish I was brave enough to let myself out.

if only.

organization.

new song addiction - soul sister, train :D
things to sign up for - on the brink program; indonesian traditional dancing @ consulate, SYEP?

hmm. yesterday night to today afternoon.
visited the new place.
in PA.
i love the grassy hills.
and the starry nights, the healthy clear blue sky.
if only it was jersey and an hour way ride from nyc.

my dad is going back to school :O
maryland, odd~

hmm. starting on my homework.
tomorrow is a birthday celebration.

how to help raise money for haiti?

14110.) it's 11:11 i just wished that you love me and think of me as much as i think of you.

<3

yes. i lack the ability to communicate.
i swear, she knows what to say to get me crumbling.

connie 8:27 pm
haha
yu better
(:
n alyssa
i dont know wats goin on with yu
since yu dont wanna tel lme
but its fine
just happen things work out for yu
so yu can be back the alyssa yu were b5
b4*
i miss the way yu were.

it aches me, i feel like i lost myself.
i'm in a room sea full of people,
where they have so much to offer.
and, really.
i've changed. it just happened.
i don't know when it happened,
but it came as a downfall of everything else.

i'm slowly trying.
today, adam and gabby made me happy.
it felt relief off my chest, my heart.
i'm taking baby steps.

needing.

to focus more in my academics.

balance my life, love, friends, and family.

to be a better muslim.

TO DO LIST:

get my SAT book.

study hard and stay in school for it.

realize that time is going quick and accomplish what i need to do to graduate on time.

pick out my colleges and practice until i get to where i want to go.

research my future.

work my hardest for it will pay off.

no more procrastination or shitty excuses;

to have a motivation to do all of this.

i once was...

nice, sweet, charming, and always thought twice to think of what to say.

now..

i'm brutally honest, confusing to others, and i don't care.

leave it as it is, the news was told to me when my dad called in iraq.
the house is pretty i've seen it before.
pretty soon, i'm out.
since my dad is going to be retiring soon.

though i don;t know when.
i've cut my ties from friendship.

its not that i want to be alone,
i rather see you guys move on with your life, which you happened to do pretty well today, and so i'm glad.

thanks.
for just showing that over food,
you will later see this post,

when i'm already moved on.
in a different city. with different people.

shocker to you all.

i'm moving.

to PA.

sooner than what i thought.

that's why i am fucked up the way i act towards you guys

in a way, i rather you guys be pissed than be sad

new.

im addicted to my tumblr :)

itsalyssax3.tumblr.com

:D